


Whose Cock is it Anyway?

by Merry_rf



Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Bodyswap, Crack, Humor, M/M, On Your Left revenge, Pranks, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Sam Wilson deserves better, Sam Wilson’s plum intolerance, crack-smoking magic aliens, non-consensual manscaping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 21:47:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14881818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Merry_rf/pseuds/Merry_rf
Summary: Sam is not happy. Barnes, the idiot, touched a device in Shuri’s lab he wasn’t supposed to, and now Sam is in a freaky three-way body swap with the Winter Soldier and Captain America. Thanks, Barnes.





	Whose Cock is it Anyway?

**Author's Note:**

> Body swap crack, inspired by Sebastian Stan being asked what he would do if he swapped bodies with Chris Evans. And what he would then do if swapped with Anthony Mackie. See it [here](https://twitter.com/mycoveriscas/status/985270267516727296?s=21).
> 
> Thanks to [tigrislillium](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigrislilium) for pranking ideas, [roe87](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roe87/pseuds/roe87) for the title and beta reading, [Witchy](https://witchylurker.tumblr.com/) for the fabulous graphic, and the HYBB chat for egging me on.

* * *

 

_Sam_

Sam wakes up ravenous. He’s never been more hungry in his life. It’s strange, if anything, as he had a little too much dinner last night, and didn’t follow it up with any _strenuous_ activities.

His left shoulder aches, but that’s no surprise after Natasha had thrown him to the ground during training. He runs a hand over his head and his fingers card through silky hair.

Wait.

In the dim early morning light, Sam looks at his hands.

He’s not sure what the bigger shock is; that his left hand is metal, or that his right hand is _white_.

***

_Steve_

Steve wakes abruptly to an enraged shout. He’s slightly crushed underneath Bucky, a feeling he hasn’t had since before the serum. It’s uncomfortable enough that he’s having trouble breathing. Odd.

He tries to push Bucky off, only to notice that the body on top of him has blond hair. Bucky, meanwhile, is standing over the bed, looking both terrified and constipated.

“Bucky? I don’t know who…” Steve’s voice sounds weird.

Bucky gapes at him momentarily. “Who are you?”

“It’s me, Steve.” Has Bucky’s memory faded again? Steve is extremely concerned, by Bucky’s demeanour and the presence of a stranger in their bed. “Are you okay? I don’t know how this guy got here I swear—” Steve stops as Bucky grabs the man lying on top of Steve, who begins to stir grumpily, and turns him over.

The man is Steve. Or it’s Steve’s body at least. Steve looks up at Bucky in shock. “What the…?”

Bucky looks back at him. “I’m not Bucky, I’m Sam.” Buck—Sam grabs Steve’s hands and holds them up in front of Steve’s face. “You’re in my body.”

The hands in front of Steve are not his own. He looks down at the rest of his body. Certainly not his. He takes a second look—

“Stop that. Put some damn shorts on. And wake him up. I’m assuming that’s Bucky.”

Steve looks over at what appears to be _his_ body, still sprawled out on the bed, mostly asleep. He’s stark naked.

“And put some clothes on him, too.”

***

_Bucky_

Bucky, so far, has been surprisingly relaxed about the turn of events. He’s even surprised himself with how well he’s taken waking up in another man’s body. It’s probably Steve’s body which has got him so relaxed. Nothing hurts, and his centre of gravity is perfectly balanced.

Shuri looks up as the three of them enter her lab. “What happened?”

“We’ve been body swapped,” Steve says from Sam’s body. Bucky grins to himself. Looks like Steve can make Sam’s body blush. “I’m Steve.”

“I’m Bucky,” says Bucky from Steve’s body.

“Which leaves me to be Sam.” Sam is scowling. Does Bucky really look like that when he scowls? It’s fairly aggressive. No wonder people are scared of him. Bucky resolves to scowl more at people he doesn't like.

Shuri narrows her eyes at Bucky. “This is all your fault, you realise.”

“Who, me?”

“Yes, you. Did I or did I not tell you yesterday not to touch things in my lab?”

“...Yes?”

“And what did you do?”

“It was just a piece of metal…” Bucky trails off to look at the piece of metal that he’d fiddled with the previous day. It’s hovering above the tabletop, glowing with blue, red and gold lights. “It didn’t do that yesterday!”

“No, that happened overnight. I suspected something strange might happen, but you three are very dramatic.”

“What is it?” Sam asks.

“It is a device which was found buried in the vibranium mound. I believe it was created by beings with technology similar to the Asgardians,” says Shuri.

“So, magic aliens,” says Sam.

“Yes, and they have a tendency to... partake in certain rituals, which they do for luck, before starting any serious work.” Shuri looks a little worried and a lot guilty.

“What kind of rituals?” Sam looks to be building up a head of steam over this.

“The rituals are supposed to promote focus and a sense of euphoria, to bring joy to their work. They smoke an extract from an endemic plant—”

Sam makes a spluttering noise. “So, you’re telling me that they’re crack-smoking, magic aliens?”

Shuri shrugs as if to say, _crack-smoking magic aliens. What can you do?_

“Can you reverse it?” Steve asks quickly.

“I don’t know. I had not prioritised this device as something worth my time. I have other _more valuable_ work.” Shuri glares at Bucky. “I will have to re-prioritise.”

“Please,” Sam says desperately. “I don’t want to be a broken white boy forever.”

***

_Sam_

After consuming more pancakes in one sitting than he has ever managed before, Sam is starting to feel a little better. Holding a fork had proved a little tricky to start with, but the dexterity and sensitivity of the metal arm was phenomenal. Mostly it functioned just like a real arm.

It was the glass of orange juice that proved his undoing.

“That’s why the glove,” Barnes says, as Sam picks the shards of glass off the floor, and wipes off the sticky juice. “Allows better grip for stuff like that.” Barnes sips his own juice daintily, little finger sticking out.

_Fucker._

***

_Steve_

Steve suggests going for a run after breakfast.

“Are you sure?” Bucky asks him. “You won’t be at your usual speed.”

“It’s fine,” he replies. “I’ll still be able to run further than I could in 1940.”

Bucky and Sam start out slow, keeping pace with Steve. It’s nice. The burn in his chest and legs feels good. Nothing like when he was tiny and sick, and every breath was a struggle.

Sam gradually begins to increase his pace. Steve’s breath begins to labour a bit more. “You guys go ahead,” he rasps. “I’ll keep my own pace.”

Sam grins at him, and it’s weird that Steve can see that it’s Sam’s grin, on Bucky’s face. They must use their muscles differently. “Sure thing, slow poke.” Sam takes off, gait slightly uneven. Bucky tears off after him.

Steve plods on slowly, soon hearing rapid footsteps coming up behind him. He knows what will happen next. “On your left!” Sam cackles as he races past.

Steve probably deserves that.

***

_Bucky_

Steve’s sense of personal danger has always been low. Bucky has known this since first finding Steve in an alleyway in 1927, struggling with two bullies. Dealing with Steve’s lack of self-preservation became somewhat easier for Bucky after the serum, as Steve’s body could now take any and all hits. The current situation has changed this somewhat.

“You always say I can’t use the wings because they’re perfectly calibrated to you,” says Steve. “Well, now, _I’m_ ‘perfectly calibrated’ to you, ergo…”

Bucky is fairly certain Steve is going to break Wilson’s wings. And, quite possibly, Wilson.

Bucky will be left to pick up the pieces. It feels like home.

***

_Sam_

Sam blames the hunger on letting Steve try out his wings. As he watched Steve spiral towards the ground— _his BODY, his WINGS_ —it had felt like his stomach had simultaneously sunk to his feet and escaped out of his mouth. Thankfully Steve had righted himself before causing any lasting damage, and Sam had immediately confiscated the wings.

But now he’s hungry, and Steve’s being a shit.

“I do not give permission for Barnes to stick his dick in me.”

“Well, that’s not we usually… I mean I’d be sticking my, I mean _your_ —”

“ _Shut up,_  Steve. I do not need _any_ more details about your sex life either.”

“But it’s such good sex, Sam. You don’t know what you’re missing out on. I’d be doing you a favour, really.” Steve’s trying to give Sam puppy eyes.

“That doesn’t work when it’s _my own damn face, Steve!_ ”

***

_Steve_

Steve finds Bucky in their quarters having a snack. “Sam won’t let us have sex.”

Bucky looks up at Steve. “You can’t be that surprised. It’s pretty surreal. I’m not entirely sure that _I_ want to have sex right now either.”

“You don’t just want to... try things out?” Steve asks. “I’m pretty curious myself.”

“If you can convince Sam, maybe.”

Steve nods his head at Bucky. Challenge accepted. He scratches at his face. “Sam’s goatee is itchy, I don’t know how he can stand it.”

Bucky grins at Steve, a twinkle in his eye. “Well, you could do something about that, you know.”

***

_Bucky_

Bucky has never seen Sam without a beard. His face looks seriously _weird_ without it.

Steve smoothes his hands over his (Sam’s) face. “What do you think he’ll say?”

Bucky grins. “He’s gonna go _bananas_.”

“Reassuring as ever, Buck.” He smiles, mischief in his eyes. “Let’s go show Sam his new look.”

Steve Rogers—no sense of personal safety.

***

_Sam_

When he sees Steve, Sam discovers that the arm is strong enough to pull a door handle clean out of a door.

Barnes is behind this, Sam just _knows_ it.

He’s going to get those bastards back, somehow.

***

_Steve_

At dinner that night, Sam has retaliated. Bucky’s long shiny hair is gone. He now has a buzz cut.

“Thanks, Wilson,” Bucky says. “It was starting to get a little long. I’ve been meaning to get it cut for a while now.” He turns to Steve. “What do you think?”

Steve runs a hand over the top of Sam’s head. It’s soft and fuzzy to the touch. “Interesting texture, I think I’ll enjoy it.”

Sam swats Steve away. “Stop touching me.”

Steve feels a little hurt.

***

_Bucky_

Shuri calls them back to her lab late that evening.

“I have attempted to re-calibrate the device. The interface I’ve put together is not ideal, but it may switch you back. Bucky, please touch the device again.”

Bucky touches it. There’s a tingle in his hand, which didn’t happen the last time, but nothing more. Bucky, Steve and Sam exchange glances.

Shuri rolls her eyes. “The change will occur overnight again. I suggest you go to bed.”

The three of them troop out to return to the residential area. Sam walks with Steve and Bucky to their room.

“You are going to bed, to sleep. _Nothing_ else. You hear me?” Sam glares at them both.

Steve nods reluctantly.

“No hanky-panky, Wilson, we got it,” Bucky promises. He winks at Steve as Sam begins to walk away.

“I saw that, Barnes!”

***

_Sam_

Sam wakes up and looks at his hands. They’re both white.

_Fucking aliens._

He goes back to sleep.

***

_Steve_

Steve feels pain in his shoulder before he’s fully awake. Bucky’s lying underneath him this time, and stirring. “Geroff, Steve.”  

Bucky’s voice is muffled, but it doesn’t sound right. Steve opens his eyes.

Sam’s body is below him. Still wearing underwear, as Bucky and Steve had respected Sam’s wishes. Steve looks down at himself and notices the arm. So. Bucky’s body then. Sam must be in Steve’s.

“Wake up, Bucky,” Steve says, giving him a shove. “You’re Sam now.”

Bucky groans, and Steve leaves him to go to the bathroom. He rotates his shoulder, the metal plates shifting as he moves it. The pain slowly subsides.

“Does your shoulder always hurt, Buck?” he calls to Bucky.

Bucky stumbles in, rubbing sleep from his (Sam’s) eyes. “New arm doesn’t hurt so much. But that’s why I go without it sometimes.”

Steve grimaces. HYDRA bastards. “Glad it’s better.” He moves to the toilet to take a leak, glancing down at himself. At least this is more familiar than Sam’s body.

He takes a second look and starts to laugh. “Is there something you want to tell me Bucky?”

Bucky looks over from where he’s brushing his teeth. Should they have switched toothbrushes with Sam? Too late now…

Steve gestures towards his groin. His pubes have been dyed blond.

***

_Bucky_

Bucky likes Sam’s body. Nothing hurts too badly, and at breakfast he only has to eat until he’s satisfied. Normally he and Steve have to shovel food in their faces until near bursting to keep up with their metabolisms. It’s nice that eating isn’t just a chore, but a pleasure for a change.

Bucky’s finishing off a plum as Sam joins them for breakfast. Sure enough, he’s in Steve’s body and his irritation on Steve’s face is hilarious.

“No hanky-panky?”

“No, Sam,” Steve replies, slightly sullen. Bucky admires the grumpy expression on his (Steve’s) face.

Sam looks at Bucky. “Did you have plums for breakfast?”

Bucky nods. “They’re good here.”

Sam breaks into a wide smile. “So you’ve said many times. You ever seen me eat one?”

Bucky hasn’t.

“Karma’s a bitch, Barnes. I’ve got an intolerance to plums.”

Bucky stares at Sam. “What kind of intolerance?” He can feel the beginning prickles of alarm running through him.

Sam picks up a plum and bites into. “You’re right, these are good.”

Bucky glares. Sam rolls his eyes. “Just the kind that means you probably shouldn’t go further than five feet from a toilet for the rest of the day. Hope you’ve got a good book to read.” Sam grins. “Have a nice day.”

***

_Sam_

Sam watches Bucky stalk off towards his and Steve’s quarters. It’s strange to see the murder-strut in his own own body. He notices Steve watching too.

“I know I’ve got a fine ass, Steve, but easy on the ogling, you feel me?”

“You’re a wicked man sometimes, Sam. He’s already annoyed about the dye job, now this?”

“Ain’t my fault he ate those plums! Or that my body doesn’t react well to them. Just a biological quirk.” They finish eating breakfast. Sam takes delight in eating as many plums as he can.

“We should probably go and see Shuri again. Want to go for a run after?” Steve asks.

“You can usually run faster than Barnes, right?” Sam says with a smile.

Steve nods.

“Count me in.”

***

_Steve_

They’ve checked in with Shuri (she says she’ll see Bucky later, and mutters about incompetent inventors), and been for their run around the city’s public gardens. Sam lords it over Steve for beating him again, though Steve can’t really blame him for it.

People keep giving him odd looks as they walk through the city. And it’s not just because of the haircut, Steve can tell.

“Why do people keep looking at me? Everyone knows Bucky.”

“Yeah, but they don’t know that expression on his face, man.”

Steve looks at Sam questioningly.

“You smile all the time,” Sam says.

“Bucky smiles!” Steve says defensively.

“Only at you, and Shuri sometimes. Definitely not at random strangers.” Sam looks at Steve’s crestfallen expression. “I know he’s better, but your boy’s still working through some stuff.”

Steve frowns the rest of the way back to the palace. No one gives him a second look.

***

_Bucky_

Sam was right, Bucky thinks, alone in the bathroom. A good book has proved key to this latest fiasco.

***

_Sam_

Sam’s hungry again and Steve wants to _philosophize_.

“So, whose cock is it anyway? Is it his or yours?”

“Steve,” Sam says, feeling strained. “I’m having enough trouble without your metaphysical bullshit.”

“But think about it, is Bucky wearing your body, or has your body become part of Bucky? In which case—”

“Steve.” Sam says very seriously. “No.” Human brains were not meant to have to deal with this shit. “You two have enough sex that you can stand to cool it for a day or two. For my sake.”

“Please?” Steve’s puppy-eyed look really doesn’t work from Barnes’ face. He looks like he’s been hit over the head with a dead fish.

“No.”

***

_Steve_

Steve leaves Sam eating his third helping of Wakandan goat curry to check on Bucky. Bucky’s still in the bathroom, and asks for more books. As he heads back towards the cafeteria, a quinjet arrives outside the palace. He sees Natasha emerge—she’s returned from visiting Clint.

Detouring to greet her, Steve wonders what she’ll have to say about their current predicament. An idea occurs.

“Barnes,” Natasha greets him.

Steve does his best imitation of Bucky’s grin and swagger. “Hey, dollface—”

Somehow, Steve is on the ground, flat on his back, with a rapidly growing pain in the back of his head, and blood streaming from his nose. Natasha is straddling him, fist raised to punch him again.

“Ow! Natd, wha da helb?” Steve hasn’t had a broken nose for some months. It’s not something he’s missed. He clicks it back into place.

“Who are you? Where’s the real Barnes?” Natasha challenges him.

“My impression didn’t work then?”

She narrows her eyes at him. “Steve?”

“How’d you know?”

“Only you would think Barnes would still try to charm women like it’s 1939. _He’s_ never tried to call me _dollface_.”

“Oh, right.” He looks up at Natasha. “Could you get off me now, please?”

Natasha rises gracefully to her feet. “What happened?” she asks, giving Steve a hand up.

“Bucky touched an alien device, we’ve been body swapped.”

“So, he’s in your body?”

“No, Sam’s. And Sam’s in mine. Yesterday it was the other way around. It’s a little confusing.”

“Poor Sam. Thank God I wasn’t mixed up in this mess.”

***

_Bucky_

Bucky’s guts are starting to slow down finally, but he’s getting bored with just hanging out in the bathroom and reading. He needs something to do.

Steve brings Natasha by, who laughs at them both and then goes to find Sam. Russians. No sympathy.

“Hey, Steve?” Bucky asks when she’s gone. “Do you think you could get me some hair dye?”

***

_Sam_

Turns out Sam needs to be more careful in Captain America’s body than he was in the Winter Soldier’s. With the metal arm, Sam had tried to be as careful as he could when handling anything. In Steve’s body, with two human hands, Sam keeps forgetting about the super-strength.

So far today, Sam has broken; two coffee cups, six pens, a computer keyboard (at this point he decided his reports for Wakandan intelligence could wait a day or two), another door handle, and two doors came off their hinges when he slammed them shut.

Sam can hear his mother’s voice in his head telling off for slamming doors. He will never tell his mother this particular work story.

He goes to check on Barnes and Rogers.

Barnes is out of the bathroom. He’s dyed Sam’s hair. Sam is _blond_.

“No. I look like a Dennis Rodman wannabe. Except more handsome, obviously.”

“Who’s Dennis Rodman?” Barnes asks.

“Basketball player. Played for the Chicago Bulls. I guess I can be grateful you didn’t make it green.”

“Dennis Rodman dyed his hair green? Wish I’d thought of that.”

Barnes is such a dickhead. “Don’t think I won’t get you back for this, Barnes.”

“You’re not in my body anymore, Sam.”

“But what could I do to Steve’s?”

Barnes shrugs. “It’s not like you can do anything permanent to him. We tried to give him a tattoo in the war. It didn’t take, just faded away in a few weeks.”

“Cap had a tattoo?” Sam wants to hear that story another day. “Doesn’t mean he can’t look ridiculous for a few days, Barnes. And you have to look at him more than I do.” Sam’s getting another idea. It might be copying Barnes to some extent, but Sam doesn’t really care. “Plums worn off yet?”

“Almost. I think I’ll be able to leave the apartment soon.”

“Good. You sit tight awhile. I’ll come back when we need to see Shuri.” Sam needs to find a hair stylist.

***

_Steve_

Steve has been looking for Sam for a couple of hours. He’s got a new bribe to try and convince Sam to let him and Bucky have sex. Steve gets somewhat derailed when he finally finds Sam, emerging from a hair salon.

Sam gives him a beatific smile and runs his hands through his (Steve’s) hair.

His hair is shaved at the sides. The Captain America shield pattern has been dyed into the short fuzz in red, white and blue. The top is longish still, but is now red, white and blue striped.

“What the fuck?”

“Language, Cap. I thought you needed a more patriotic look. Your hair has been looking a bit sad lately.”

Steve thinks he looks ridiculous. If he’s back in his own body tomorrow, he’s going to have to shave it all off. It’s awful. “Well, you have to wear it for now. You look stupid.”

“No, Steve. _You_ look stupid.” Sam grins.

They start walking back toward the palace. “I’ve got a proposition for you,” Steve says.

“Is it about you two having sex again?”

“You know Bucky’s just about the best assassin in the world, right? Well, maybe he could… do you a favour?”

Sam stares at Steve. “Are you seriously offering to have Barnes assassinate someone for me just so you can have sex?”

This isn’t quite going according to Steve’s plan. “You know he has the skills. Untraceable murder. Once in a lifetime opportunity, Sam.”

“I can’t believe you’d pimp Barnes out like that Steve. It’s absurd. No.”

Steve sighs morosely.

“And stop being so dramatic.”

***

_Bucky_

Shuri looks embarrassed when the three of them enter the lab. “Bucky, touch the device again, please.”

He follows her instruction and the device seems to immediately power down, to look as innocuous as when he first touched it. “You got the interface to work then?”

“Not exactly. It essentially, well, I ran some analytics and…” Shuri sighs. “It needed to be turned off and on again.”

Sam hoots with laughter, a noise Steve’s body has never made before. It’s quite entertaining, especially when combined with the new hairstyle.

“So, we should be back to normal tonight?” Steve asks.

“I hope so. Now get out of my lab so I can lock this device away before anyone else touches it.” Shuri shoos them out.

They walk back to their living quarters. It’s a relief to know that things will be back to normal tomorrow, even if Bucky isn’t too thrilled about being down an arm again.

Sam bids them goodnight, with an ‘eyes on you’ gesture to Steve.

“You didn’t convince him to let us have sex, did you?” Bucky asks as they get ready for bed.

“No. But I need to get him back for the hair somehow,” Steve replies.

Bucky smiles. “I got you covered, pal, don’t worry.”

Steve smiles. It’s weird for Bucky to see that expression on his own face. He’ll have to try it more with Steve. “You always do, Buck.”

***

_Sam_

Sam wakes up and looks at his hands. They are blessedly familiar, brown, and no metal in sight. He goes back to sleep with a smile on his face.

Sam wakes up again a while later, feeling content. It’s early enough that there should still be breakfast food in the cafeteria, but late enough that he feels rested.

No point in going to find the super soldiers. If they’re awake they’ll still be going at it like desperate bunnies after two days of enforced celibacy. Situation normal, Rogers fucking Barnes.

Wiping sleep from his eyes, Sam makes his way to the bathroom to take a leak. The thought of having his own dick back comforts him in ways he didn’t expect.

Grimacing at the sight of his hair in the mirror, Sam takes himself in hand. A little self-love might not go astray after the last couple of days…

A glimpse of colour, where there should be only black, brings him up short.

Those _fuckers_.

Sam’s pubes are red, white and blue.

**Author's Note:**

> “Situation normal, Rogers fucking Barnes,” borrowed from the delightful [Things the men of the Howling Commandos are no longer allowed to do in the SSR](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3278192) by Odsbodkins.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Bucky's Best Laid Plans](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16589012) by [roe87](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roe87/pseuds/roe87)




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